yesterday i taught my first yoga class. and it wasn't as i imagined. like anyone, i had these daydreams of me standing in front of the room saying the most brilliant things and everyone beaming back at me with gratitude. yes, i wished it had gone better, and i wish i had said certain things, so in short i had some minor disappointments, but when i got back in my car i was not unhappy. my class had definitely not met my romanticized expectations, but for some reason i felt okay about it.
but as the day progressed i let my mind get away from me. i started to be negative nancy and was questioning my character and if i had the balls to be a good teacher. (maybe this is when being a psych major isn't the best thing) because then i was going back to my days of public speaking in intermediate school... and when i would blackout during a speech and end up repeating the same paragraph over.
i remember it like it was yesterday, it was my current event on television parental guideline ratings.
"The television industry designed a TV ratings last monday. the content levels are suggestive dialogue, crude language, suggestive dialogue, crude language, suggestive language, crude dialogue..... suggestive dialogue, crude language...."
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it was awful.
and then i went back to my seat and the boy sitting next to me (im pretty sure it was Wilkie Johnson) says, "ummm you know you repeated the same line like 3 times"
GOD IT WAS SO BAD. it makes me want to cry right now just writing this. hahaha
anyways.....
so not getting all freudian and bullshit, but i obviously have/had a fear of public speaking and having people watch me as i make an idiot out of myself. so reflecting on that i was saying to myself yesterday, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PAY ALL THIS MONEY TO BECOME A YOGA TEACHER!!!???
not going to make this posting about concurring your fear and bla bla bla... but i do think putting myself out there to be a teacher and going after what i want in spite of my obvious lack of public speaking skills is changing me for the better.
what i really want to talk about is how to appreciate steps.
i have come a long way from the days of my current events speech, and even progressed from the person i was yesterday when i was teaching my class.
rome wasn't built in a day. and i can not expect to be the person i want to be in a matter of moments.
i see others, as well as myself, putting all their eggs in one basket and claiming that this one thing is going to be the turn around of their entire lives. but i think it is a bunch of little things that get us to where we want to be. it is that one oreo we put down that makes us that much thinner, it is that one article that we read in the newspaper that makes us that much more interesting, and it is that one loser job that teaches us that little thing that changes our mentality forever.
"peace is in pieces"
for me happiness is when we find a way to live with our progress. when we are happy that we made this one hour better than the last.
and for that one moment when we do get to that place where all our expectations are presented in reality, that is euphoria, but sadly that only lasts for a second.
so for now i am going to be totally happy teaching my not so perfect yoga classes.
"the art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them."
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